The Definitive Guide on How To Know if You Are a Douche Bag comes in a 1st edition and much awaited 2nd edition.

Here are both editions:

Edition Two:

1. If you do not like this edition as much as the 1st edition, you most certainly are a douche bag. Do you know how much work goes into putting this together for you? A lot, so go home, drink some Baptist beer, and shut your mouth you little douche bucket.

2. If you think the term, douche bag, is considered a curse word, you are a douche bag. I will consider your argument for the sake of debate.. Ok, I see your point, but unfortunately you are still a douche bag.

3. If you pop your collar you are a douche bag. I can’t just leave it at that. If you pop your collar you are a flaming limpy douche bag.

4. If you shop at Best Buy, you are a douche bag. No we don’t have anymore of the crappy piece of junk $399 notebook computers. Go to Wal-Mart, buy an Etch-A-Sketch, and use that for your computer.

5. If you do not like cartoons you are a douche bag. Everyone secretly likes cartoons, and they just hide it from others. I know you are sitting in your room with the lights out watching “The Little Mermaid.” Stop hiding it, and just go ahead and buy the Collectors Edition with the free Flounder beanie baby. Flounder is a douche bag too by the way.

6. If you do not like video games you are a douche bag. You just don’t like them because you get PWNED every time you play, you sorry excuse for a douche bag. I almost think you don’t deserve to be called a douche bag. In fact you are not a full douche bag, but you are a douche bag of the 9th degree.

7. If you drive a car that was built before 1995, you are a douche bag. It is not a classic. It is a smoggy junky douche bag on wheels. You should just trade it in for a bicycle. At least with a bicycle you can pop wheelies.

8. If you do not like guns, you are a douche bag. I vote for a “gun free society,” pssshhh, you naïve little douche. Without guns, we would still be taking our tea and crumpets at noon with all those other douche bags across “the pond.” I wish I had a tank so I could drive it to your house, honk the horn, and then put a 500 pound shell through the front door. I think at that point you would wish you had a gun, now wouldn’t you?

9. If you do not like McDonalds you are a skinny douche bag. I do not want to hear about the “Supersize Me” documentary. I could go to Subway, and order the biggest thing on the menu for every meal, and I am pretty sure I would be just as sick. Without McDonalds, millions of Americans would not be as big as they are. We owe McDonalds more than you can possibly imagine. When the ice caps melt, and the world is covered in ice, who do you think will survive? That’s right, the fat people. So take that you carrot humping vegetarian. The fat people will one day rule the earth thanks to McDonalds.

10. If you read this and did not laugh, you are a douche bag. You have no sense of humor. You just go ahead and get ready for a life of boredom. I feel sorry for you. I don’t like you. And yes, you are a douche bag. Seriously, were you not entertained? Oh well, I tried.

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Edition One:

You are a Douche Bag if…

1. You have ever called someone a douche bag. (This is the catch-22 of douche baggery. Once you call someone a douche bag, you are forever one yourself).

2. You don’t like Mountain Dew. (Simple really, Mountain Dew is the nectar of the gods, and if you don’t like it then, well… you are a douche bag).

3. You don’t like the movie Gladiator. (Self explanatory, I do believe).

4. You are a Liberal Democrat. (Really, just, why? Go jump off a bridge).

5. You don’t watch the television show 24. (If you don’t watch this show you are probably in the category above, so go jump off a bridge again).

6. You wake up before 7am. (Unless you are some superhero going to save children in China, there is absolutely no reason to be up this early.)

7.You make fun of fat people. (I admit, fat people are fun to make fun of, but it doesn’t make it right, and you are a douche bag. Also, I hope you gain 50 pounds for every fat joke you have told).

8. You use curse words in a derogatory manner. (There is no reason to use curse words when you can simply call someone a douche bag. We all know point ..1, so once you call someone a douche bag, they will know you too are a douche bag, and it will create common ground for you to agree upon).

9. You are a vegetarian. (You are a douche bag, and I strongly dislike you. Eat some meat you tree hugging parasite).

10. You live in Alaska. (Really, why do you live there? Go back to your igloos, pack your stuff, and move somewhere civilized, you ice humpers).

11. You don’t care about starving Ethiopians. (Poor little guys are starving while you stuff your faces with McDonalds. I think we should send all vegetarians to Ethiopia, and bring Ethiopians here. That would solve the hunger crisis. I am writing my Senator. Who is my Senator by the way?)

12. You smell like poop. (Take a bath you dirty vagrant).

13. You drink Starbucks products. (Four dollars for a stinking cup of coffee? You have got to be kidding me! New decree by Mark: “All ye who drink Starbucks are douche bags.”)

14. You go to Walmart. (STAY AWAY!!! Walmart is actually owned by Mexico. You have been warned, you little douche bag).

15. You walk around the mall. (Really, why do you walk around the mall? You are a flaming douche bag. Especially you pre-teen gothic things, go home take a bath, clean off the 30 layers of black eye liner, and tell your mom you are sorry).

16. You don’t like ham. (Unless you are Jewish, you better eat some ham or you are a douche bag, and actually even if you are Jewish. Ham is to food as Mountain Dew is to drink. EAT IT!)

17. You display a Confederate flag. (The South lost, and you are a huge douche bag. Now go to the dentist, get your teeth fixed, and take a bath for goodness sake you dirty little redneck douche bag).

18. You don’t talk to telemarketers. (They are just doing their job! At least listen to what they have to say, then yell as loud as you can, “You are a douche bag mr./mrs. telemarketer from India.” That should suffice.)

19. You don’t have a pet. (Everyone should have a furry little companion. If you don’t then you are a douche bag. That was simple enough, now wasn’t it?)

20. You like Panera Bread Company. (I can make a sandwich at my house. Why would you spend eight dollars for a turkey sandwich, you douche bag? Pardon me while I go make a sandwich…4 minutes later…see, that wasn’t very hard now was it?)

21. You are against torture of Terrorists. (You flaming liberal of a douche bag. We should send you over to Iraq, and give you to the terrorists, and we can see what they will do to you! That would be fun, wouldn’t it?)

22. You are against the death penalty. (Same basic concept as above.)

23. You watch wrestling on t.v. (My goodness, you are on the Hall of Fame list as one of the greatest douche bags ever. Go tell your wife Bertha that your mullet needs combing because you might just make it in your life. Are all the tires inflated on your mobile home?)

And finally, you are a douche bag if…

24. You read this blog and did not laugh. (Seriously, were you not entertained? Hmmm…)